BEWARE! Dark Clouds Follow Me!

Today was the day I've been dreading. Perhaps it's because I was so hopeful that I wouldn't have to experience it again. Perhaps I was living in a world and viewing it with rose colored glasses, maybe I'm just in denial. Regardless, I look on my calendar and there it is. Bright red. MANDATORY RESTRUCTURING CALL - MUST ATTEND - DO NOT SEND A DELEGATE IN YOUR PLACE... Awwwwww crap. No, not again. They promised me that I wouldn't have to deal with this shit for at least 6 months and that there was nothing on the radar with any of the groups that I've been reassigned to.

They lied. My heart just about sank and broke into two. Hearing the news and how many that could potentially be impacted is big. Here's the clencher. The conversation goes like this:

Call Leader - AKA - Boss Lady: Judy? Oh good. We're so glad that you were able to rearrange your scheduled to make this call this afternoon.

Me: Sure, I'm glad that it worked out for all of us to attend this. What's up?

Boss Lady: Well, Judy, we need your assistance and expertise.

Me: Ha, I'm a jack of all trades. I'll pitch in where ever I can. You know that.

Boss Lady: Exactly. I want to give you a stretch role assignment . . .

Oh shit, please no, this can't be good. Can I just start barfing now and maybe they're stop talking and I can avoid them for the next few weeks....

Boss Lady: I'm sure we don't need to enlighten you on how our business is under extrordinary times. Times in which we've never seen before. We've been talking and it's apparent that were are going to need to do a re-evaluation of staff...

Oh shit shit shit! It's me, they're fucking laying me off....

Me: Yes, I'm aware that it will be a continual exercise in which each business function will review it's span of control on a quarterly basis so that the company doesn't face over staffing situations again.

Boss Lady: That's right. We'd like to offer you an opportunity.

Me: What sort of opportunity?

Boss Lady: Well, we'd like for you to be a project lead and complete a span of control analysis, resources analysis, skills review and legal review as well as administer and plan out any job impacted employee discussions.

Me: What? You're kidding right? I've never been that involved in the process like that. I've always been part of the last half and having to deliver the bad news to employees.

Boss Lady: Yes, that's true, but Sr. Leadership feels that you've done exceptionally well and are confident that you are the right person for this assignment after all it pertains to one your your groups.

Me: What group?

Boss Lady: your CMI group. This will mean you potentially could have approximately 200 more impacts.

Me: No, you're kidding right? I'm really not comfortable with this. I really am flattered that you are considering me for this, but I don't think that I can take this on. This is a huge undertaking.

Boss Lady: This is a developmental opportunity for you Judy, I strongly encourage you to embrace this opportunity. I'm confident that you will be successful with this project.

Me: I'm not so confident. What if I screw up or miscalculate something. This involves peoples livelihoods. This is huge!

Boss Lady: I'm glad to hear that you recognize the importance of making sure you have complete and accurate data. Screwing this up is really not an option so it's imparitive that your information is complete, thorough and most importantly accurate.

For a minute there is just silence. I'm trying to absorb the shit bomb that was just thrown my way and thinking of all those people. Oh god, I'm such a shitty person. This so sucks.

Boss Lady: You're going to do fine. Reach out to any resources you might need. We need for this to be calculated, analyzed so that it be presented to the Senior Officers and to the legal review committee by the end of the month.

I just have a sour feeling in my stomach. I just want to throw up. I'm so pissed and angry that I'm having to do this. It's not that I can't do the work. I know that I can figure it out, I know that I'm capable to doing this, the point is that I emotionally don't think that I can go through this again. It seems that each time I get to know and befriend my client groups, I have to lay them off.

Me: Wait, what? By the end of this month? You're kidding right? I honestly don't think I can pull this off. You're asking me to pull off a miracle. I'm fresh out of those.

Boss Lady: Humor. This is good, you're going to need a lot of that to get you through this process. Let me know if you need help with regard to any resources.

me: Yeah, sure, thanks.

Boss Lady: I'm confident that you will do well. We can not afford for you not to. I'll see you on Friday.

I'm in shock, I thinking just shoot me now!!!! Please God, just let a gun appear in my hand and let it just go off.

I feel terrible that I'm having to do this. Each one of those employees has a story. I may not be able to relate to many of their lifestyles, but I'm not there to judge them on that. As long as they do a good job in servicing the customers and show up to work, I'm thrilled. I'm thinking of all the families that this is going to cause stress and hardship. I'm thinking of all the stress this will put on people, including myself.

Right now, I'm beside myself. I just want to crawl into bed with that groundhog dude and not come out for another 5 weeks. I just want to hide from all of this. Then I look at my family and those 4 wonderful people that look back at me and smile and give me hugs. The two baby tots that scream with excitement for me just walking into the room. The 11 yo tater tot that comes up and says mom, looks like you need a hug. Can I give you one?

And of course there's Darren. He just smiles at me and hands me my drink and says everything is going to be ok. We'll get through this. Darren is right. We'll get through this, I'm just now sure how many more cuts and bruises I'm going to be able to endure before I totally loose it.

Hey, what does kill ya makes you stronger right?