Warning!

About four years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I felt like a beached whale. My blood pressure was high, my RA was getting worse and I didn’t think highly of my self-image. I had let myself go. I couldn’t sleep and I was spiraling to a point of no return with depression. I realized then that if I didn’t do something about myself, that no one else would. I was accountable for where I was in my life and only I could improve it. So on that day, I decided that I’m going to invest in “me”.

Somehow, I had to de-program myself. At that time, food was my happiness. It tasted great so therefore it’s great for you and makes you feel great. Right? WRONG! I learned a lot since then. I took measures into my own hands and with some medical intervention, I lost over 100 pounds. With the help of doctors and nutritionists, psychiatrists and a very supportive family, I learned to eat better, have a better self image of myself and enjoy life. It’s true. I got a small glimpse of what happiness was all about. I was happy about life again.

Then Darren and I got crazy and thought, “Let’s have another kid.” Hey, it sounded like a great idea at the time. And it was. We had a lot of fun trying. But Mother Nature’s forces did not cooperate with us and we had to seek out some more divine intervention. So in February 2007, we got the wonderful news that “it was a success” we were going to have another baby! Sonograms later revealed that we must have had double the pleasure and double the fun because we have DOUBLE the trouble and to expect twins. I didn’t realize at the time, that being pregnant with twins meant there were a lot more things you had to do to make sure they are healthy. Eating is one of those things. When the doctor told me that this could be a challenge for me, I didn’t realize how much until the nutritionist unloaded that I had to consume approximately 3600 calories a day in order to ensure that the three of us would be able to gain enough weight to sustain my pregnancy. Holy shit! I go from barely being able to eat 1000 calories a day to having to eat 3600 calories. How in the name of god was I going to do this? Surely this was a miscalculation of some sort. So, on my next doctor visit, I told the doctor that I didn’t need to give birth to sumo wrestlers, just normal size and weight babies. The doctor laughed and said the calorie in take was for normal babies. Anything less would not be healthy for me and especially not for the twins.

Slowly I watched the 100+ pounds I lost find me again. Family pressuring me, nutritionists reminding me and doctors demanding that I eat more finally lead way to me getting back into my old snacking habits. When I was confined to bed rest, it got worse. I ate out of boredom. When all was said and done, I had gained 30 pounds. And these 30 pounds don’t want to go away easily….

So last week, I looked at myself in the mirror, and, once again, I’m not liking what I see. I’ll be damned if I let myself go there again! So, it’s time. I’m back on the diet wagon again. I’m lucky in that Darren said that he’ll help me and support me, so, he’s on this diet with me. (Reason # 1,701,614 why I love him so much!)

This is the first week on Weight Watchers and all I can say is that right now, LIFE SUCKS! I’m not the eternal optimist as Darren. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING is enjoyable about this. In fact, I hate the food, the vitamins, the exercise and everything that there is about this asinine diet. So why do it? Well for several reasons. First, so that I can get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Second, so that I feel better physically and emotionally about myself and most importantly, so that that I don’t get back to what I was prior to me losing over 100 pounds. I want to be healthy again so that I’m there for my kiddos and for Darren. That’s my main motivation.

Thirty pounds may not seem like much, at least not when I look back at where I’ve been in the past, but I don’t EVER want to go back there. So, I’m back on this diet thing which, for now, makes me meaner then hell. It makes me bitchy and bitter. It makes me irritable and grouchy. I’ve got to re-learn my good eating habits again. I’ve got to remember that feeling satisfied doesn’t mean keep eating until you are full. *sigh* This is just the first week back on the wagon and it’s been brutal. I’m not sure what sicko decided that a person can survive on only 24 points but I think that person should be shot!

So what’s the point of this blog then? Well, other than to read some psycho woman rant on about being on a self imposed diet, it serves as a warning. If I sound bitchy or respond in a snappy tone, then it’s a very good possibility that I’m hungry. Just throw me a cheese fry and I should be better. I’m just warning people now, approach me at your own risk and you had been be armed with food to throw at this cougar or I’m likely to snap at you!

Friendship

I know that I’ve said this before, but I’m not exactly the most social of people. I think that is why I enjoy Twitter so much. I can be this “personality” and no one really knows who I am. Not too many people know that I’m on Twitter and I don’t have too many followers either. What’s seen on Twitter is the uncensored “me”. The “me” that only a few people really know in person.

People who actually meet me in person think I’m “cold” or “impersonal”. It’s o.k. I’m comfortable with this fact. It’s those people that can see beyond that hereditary “wall” of mine that are truly worthy of being what I call my friend. It’s that sort of person that I want to be my friend. So when I say that I don’t have too many friends, it’s should be of no surprise. The few friends that I do have, I will fight to the death for. I have an extreme loyalty to my friends and I will give and help them with anything that I possibly can.

I can honestly say that Darren was and still is my first true friend. It took me 17 years to find him, but thankfully, God intervened and finally put situations in place so that our pathways would cross with one another. Darren was the first one to “get it”. Maybe it’s just his personality of being persistent, or loves the pursuit of a challenge or maybe it’s just plain dumb luck that he stumbled upon, but Darren was the first person to see past all my nasty flaws and crusty walls and truly see me. Anyone lucky enough to have Darren as a friend is truly blessed. He can see the humor in just about anything and will always be there for you. But this blog isn’t about my friendship with Darren. This blog really is about someone else.

There is one other person in my life that falls into my true friend category. I haven’t known her forever like I have Darren, but she’s definitely a close 2nd. I’ve known her for over 19 years now and she’s still crazy enough to not run away from me screaming. She is the closest thing to being a sister to me.

What makes her so special? Well for starters she’s absolutely beautiful. She’s gorgeous not only on the outside but on the inside as well. Now most women (myself included) would typically feel a tinge of jealousy or competitiveness about this, but it’s different with my BFF. With her, I don’t feel like the “short, dumpy one” or “the one with a good personality”. My BFF is the type of person that doesn’t even realize how beautiful she is. If she does, well than she sure does put on a great show making us believe otherwise. Anyway, my BFF is the one that guys always take a second glance at when we’re out together. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve laughed at the whiplash some guys have given themselves with their double takes as she walks by. Thankfully, she’s a good sport about it. There are sometimes though, when guys are so obvious about it, that she’ll really put them on the spot. One time she and I were shopping and we couldn’t help but notice two guys constantly and conveniently on the same aisle as we were on. They would glance over at us and whisper and nudge one another. Finally my BFF looked over and yells, “What is your deal? I’m pregnant O.K?!” It was furthest from the truth, she wasn’t pregnant, but the two guys both jumped and couldn’t get away from us fast enough. We laughed so hard that we were crying.

My BFF and I have gone through a lot together, yet another reason why she is so special to me. We’ve gone through heartbreaks, health scares and lean days of sharing a Taco Cabana meal because our checking accounts were almost empty and payday was another week away. She’s been my shoulder to cry on (literally) when Darren was out of the country and I was alone in my apartment scared to death. She’s been subjected to my failed fish tank set up attempt and she’s been my personal “Martha Stewart” for any decorating advice I need.

We’ve gone through work frustrations and job and personal identity crisis together. Through it all, we’re still friends and look back and laugh in amazement on exactly how we have managed to survive this far in life without getting ourselves either killed or seriously maimed.

My BFF always manages to save the day and bail Darren out of serious trouble when he's in the dog house with me. She continuously reminds Darren to “go by the list” and fixes the times when Darren doesn’t. She’s my “little bird” that keeps my life in check. She’s my conscious (both good and bad) and she’s awesome at making people look like the hero. Just ask Darren. She’s the reason why I have my “necessities” in life like purses, wallets and XM Radio.

She has super human powers in influencing people in a positive way and she adores her nieces and nephews, including my tater tots. My kiddos know her as “Aunt Ta-Ta” and to them and me, she is family. She’s been at every important life event for me and has been there to hold my hand when things got really bad and for that she will always be a very important part of my life and always my Best Friend Forever!

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