Warning!

About four years ago, I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I felt like a beached whale. My blood pressure was high, my RA was getting worse and I didn’t think highly of my self-image. I had let myself go. I couldn’t sleep and I was spiraling to a point of no return with depression. I realized then that if I didn’t do something about myself, that no one else would. I was accountable for where I was in my life and only I could improve it. So on that day, I decided that I’m going to invest in “me”.

Somehow, I had to de-program myself. At that time, food was my happiness. It tasted great so therefore it’s great for you and makes you feel great. Right? WRONG! I learned a lot since then. I took measures into my own hands and with some medical intervention, I lost over 100 pounds. With the help of doctors and nutritionists, psychiatrists and a very supportive family, I learned to eat better, have a better self image of myself and enjoy life. It’s true. I got a small glimpse of what happiness was all about. I was happy about life again.

Then Darren and I got crazy and thought, “Let’s have another kid.” Hey, it sounded like a great idea at the time. And it was. We had a lot of fun trying. But Mother Nature’s forces did not cooperate with us and we had to seek out some more divine intervention. So in February 2007, we got the wonderful news that “it was a success” we were going to have another baby! Sonograms later revealed that we must have had double the pleasure and double the fun because we have DOUBLE the trouble and to expect twins. I didn’t realize at the time, that being pregnant with twins meant there were a lot more things you had to do to make sure they are healthy. Eating is one of those things. When the doctor told me that this could be a challenge for me, I didn’t realize how much until the nutritionist unloaded that I had to consume approximately 3600 calories a day in order to ensure that the three of us would be able to gain enough weight to sustain my pregnancy. Holy shit! I go from barely being able to eat 1000 calories a day to having to eat 3600 calories. How in the name of god was I going to do this? Surely this was a miscalculation of some sort. So, on my next doctor visit, I told the doctor that I didn’t need to give birth to sumo wrestlers, just normal size and weight babies. The doctor laughed and said the calorie in take was for normal babies. Anything less would not be healthy for me and especially not for the twins.

Slowly I watched the 100+ pounds I lost find me again. Family pressuring me, nutritionists reminding me and doctors demanding that I eat more finally lead way to me getting back into my old snacking habits. When I was confined to bed rest, it got worse. I ate out of boredom. When all was said and done, I had gained 30 pounds. And these 30 pounds don’t want to go away easily….

So last week, I looked at myself in the mirror, and, once again, I’m not liking what I see. I’ll be damned if I let myself go there again! So, it’s time. I’m back on the diet wagon again. I’m lucky in that Darren said that he’ll help me and support me, so, he’s on this diet with me. (Reason # 1,701,614 why I love him so much!)

This is the first week on Weight Watchers and all I can say is that right now, LIFE SUCKS! I’m not the eternal optimist as Darren. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING is enjoyable about this. In fact, I hate the food, the vitamins, the exercise and everything that there is about this asinine diet. So why do it? Well for several reasons. First, so that I can get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Second, so that I feel better physically and emotionally about myself and most importantly, so that that I don’t get back to what I was prior to me losing over 100 pounds. I want to be healthy again so that I’m there for my kiddos and for Darren. That’s my main motivation.

Thirty pounds may not seem like much, at least not when I look back at where I’ve been in the past, but I don’t EVER want to go back there. So, I’m back on this diet thing which, for now, makes me meaner then hell. It makes me bitchy and bitter. It makes me irritable and grouchy. I’ve got to re-learn my good eating habits again. I’ve got to remember that feeling satisfied doesn’t mean keep eating until you are full. *sigh* This is just the first week back on the wagon and it’s been brutal. I’m not sure what sicko decided that a person can survive on only 24 points but I think that person should be shot!

So what’s the point of this blog then? Well, other than to read some psycho woman rant on about being on a self imposed diet, it serves as a warning. If I sound bitchy or respond in a snappy tone, then it’s a very good possibility that I’m hungry. Just throw me a cheese fry and I should be better. I’m just warning people now, approach me at your own risk and you had been be armed with food to throw at this cougar or I’m likely to snap at you!